- "Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam." (Seen in Cape Cod).
- "That's it! I'm calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
- "Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up."
- "Procrastinate now!"
- "Rehab is for quitters."
- "My dog can lick anyone."
- "I have a degree in Liberal Arts - Do you want fries with that?"
- "Party - my crib - Two AM." (On a baby-size shirt)
- "Finally 21, and legally able to do everything I've been doing since 15."
- "All men are idiots, and I married their king."
- "West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names."
- "Failure is not an option; it comes bundled with the software."
- "I'm out of Estrogen and I've got a gun."
- "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
- "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
- "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere."
- "Discourage inbreeding - ban country music."
- "Moosehead: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."
- "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
- "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."
- "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."
- "Police station toilet stollen...Cops have nothing to go on."
- "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
- "Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh."
- "A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
- "The meek shall inherit the earth...after we're through with it."
- "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
- "Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
- "Welcome to Kentucky - Set your watch back 20 years."
- "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
- "If there is no god, who pops up the next kleenex?"
- "Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake."
- "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith-Wesson."
- "My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat."
- "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."
- "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
- "MOP & GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island clean-up team."
- "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
- "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
- "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't."